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'Teacher for the Day'

Gosh, it's the final week of Deana's blog-fest already! The year really is racing away...dare I say it?! It'll be Christmas before you know it - there I did say it. It's also snowing here in Masterton, New Zealand at the moment which is creating a very winter wonderland-like atmosphere so I just couldn't help myself!

And without further ado here are the first 200 words of my picture book TEACHER FOR THE DAY.
This was my first effort at writing anything only 8 weeks ago, and I did so under the guidance of author Mayra Calvani during a 2 week intensive  picture book course. I also recently entered it into the Writers Village competition, run by author John Yeoman, and received very encouraging feedback. 

I look forward to your feedback and hope you enjoy it :)



Teacher for the Day

 ‘Teacher for the day’ was the prize and Emma had won it fair and square.
Emma didn’t want to be ‘THE TEACHER’…but it was a good opportunity to prove that kids don’t need rules to keep them out of trouble.
“This is going to be the most fantastic, fun-filled Friday ever.” Emma grinned. “Today there’ll be no lessons and only one rule.” She tickled the pen across the whiteboard, giggling.
         Seats squeaked as her classmates craned their necks to see what she was writing. There was a brief pause…followed by an eruption of applause. On the board, in bright red letters, were the words ‘TODAY THERE ARE NO RULES’.
"Everyone looks excited." Emma beamed. “I can’t wait to play with my new deck of Uno cards,” she said. But before it got to her turn, there was a rumpus in the computer nook.
         Arms flailed and bottoms jousted for a seat.
“Give me that mouse!” said Ryan.
“No way, I was here first!” said Sam.
“I want a turn,” wined William, “I never get a turn.”
Emma shuffled to her feet.
“You’ll lose your turn,” said Becky.
“I know…” But the commotion in the computer nook was a little distracting. This isn’t at all how I imaged my fantastic, fun-filled Friday!

 

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21 comments |

21 comments:

  1. Anonymous
    25 July 2011 at 15:37

    Yay Vicky! I'm so glad you have put this out there for all to see! I adored this book when I read it on our critique site, but wasn't sure if I was too late to give you my feedback. If you want it still, I will be happy to provide it on our site. Great job!
    KP

  1. Alleged Author
    25 July 2011 at 16:09

    This is VERY children's book, and I like the opening words quite a bit (que cute premise et all).

    Comment:

    "tickled the pen across the whiteboard"

    Can't picture it. I use whiteboards all the time and don't get the tickling bit. Am I just not getting it? And the picture book uses HUGE words...is that common? It probably is and I don't know it!

  1. Michelle Fayard
    25 July 2011 at 16:45

    I enjoyed the following section so much, I'd love to see it as the opening lines.

    “This is going to be the most fantastic, fun-filled Friday ever.” Emma grinned. “Today there’ll be no lessons and only one rule.” She giggled as turned toward the whiteboard.

    Seats squeaked as her classmates craned their necks to see what she was writing. Now everyone was clapping. On the board, in bright red letters, were the words ‘TODAY THERE ARE NO RULES.’"

    I also love how you so easily let me know Emma's personality right from the beginning. You might want to tighten the text in a few places and make sure the words aren't too "old" for your readers. I'd read on!

  1. Angela Cothran
    25 July 2011 at 16:57

    This is a fun idea. I can see trouble ahead for Emma. I especially likes the phrases "tickled the pen" "won it fair and square" "rumpus in the computer nook". Well done.

  1. Anonymous
    25 July 2011 at 23:33

    I agree with alleged author about the board pen. As nice as it sounds - the board pens are just really slippy - like an eel.

    Great story though - love the fact that you'll be teaching kids that rules are there for a reason. - fairness and order etc.

    Good luck!

  1. Andrea Mack
    26 July 2011 at 00:12

    Vicky, this is such a lively beginning! I definitely feel Emma's personality shining through, and I love the premise.

    Your writing is lovely and the words all fit together seamlessly. I love how you've incorporated sound in your writing. There were a couple of things that stuck out for me:

    "Bottoms jousted for a seat" struck me as a little odd in terms of phrasing. I can't picture jousting this way.

    And I wondered if playing with Uno cards would be the first thing a kid would want to do when there are no rules. Really? It seems a little tame.

    Also, it's not clear to me if the teacher is in the room (maybe this comes in later) and is watching?

    I can see this book as being a great springboard for discussion and creative writing assignments in elementary school. I definitely wanted to read on to find out the rest of the story.

  1. Anonymous
    26 July 2011 at 01:36

    Great story idea. I like Michelle's suggestion. Good luck:)

  1. Nicole Zoltack
    26 July 2011 at 03:28

    I really liked this!

    She tickled the pen across the whiteboard, giggling. I tend to read literally so this reads that the whiteboard is giggling. Just changed giggling to and giggled and it works.

    Michelle has a great suggestion for the opening lines. It gets right to the heart of the story.

  1. amy kennedy
    26 July 2011 at 04:06

    Ditto! This would really grab the attention of lots of middle grade readers.

    Although, the line "tickled the pen..." is pretty -- it stopped me. Michelle's suggestion is a good one.

    This story has loads of potential, I bet Emma could get into trouble in more than one book.

  1. lindy
    26 July 2011 at 04:33

    Love this! "Emma had won it fair and square" --what a kid like thought to have!

    I don't know much about this genre, but I'll throw this minor criticism out there for you to think over. My only beef would be the line: "Everyone looks excited." Emma beamed.

    When I read it out loud, it doesn't sound right. Also, is this something a kid would really say? And why would she say it?

    Maybe axe it and change the line to: "Emma beamed. “I can’t wait to play with my new deck of Uno cards,” she announced. But before it got to her turn, there was a rumpus in the computer nook."

    The applause clues us in to the fact that the class embraces the idea--no need to say they're excited.

    Altogether a cute, catchy beginning!

  1. alexia
    26 July 2011 at 06:01

    Love this! Got nothing to critique. Full of voice, and the word rumpus is awesome, and fitting for this age group.

    Awesome job and good luck!

  1. amber
    26 July 2011 at 06:06

    Super cute idea :) Somewhere between her ticking the whiteboard (which I totally got, btw -- great use of words), I feel like soemthing happened that made me not udnerstand. It was too abrupt -- can there be a line in there about 'She looked back over the class -- HER class -- and smiled. 'Now,' she thought, 'off to have my own fun!'

    Also, at the end of the passage, the line about 'this isn't how I pictured my day' was also a little fast ... maybe it would be better to say 'her NO RULES day wasn't getting off to a great, super fun start.'

    Hope this helps :)
    Am

  1. K.V. Briar
    26 July 2011 at 06:30

    Cute beginning! I think Mid graders would love the "teacher for the day" idea . . . I know I would have at that age.

    You've got some great suggestions so far, loved Michelle's idea for the beginning and Amber's for the end.

    Great start :)

  1. Melodie Wright
    26 July 2011 at 06:59

    I agree with the others. This sounds like a great read and if you're going for the moral - rules are to help you - I LOVE it. :)
    Also agree about the tickling marker, tho. Markers squeak, slide over whiteboard but I can't seen one laughing when a market touches it. It threw me a bit.
    And agree w/ Amber on your last graph.
    Good luck - wish we could see the illustrations that go w/ this!
    I'm a also a new follower.

  1. Unknown
    26 July 2011 at 07:00

    Great opening and insightful comments already. I'd only add that the second line "Emma didn’t want to be ‘THE TEACHER’…but it was a good opportunity to prove that kids don’t need rules to keep them out of trouble" stopped me. It was sort of long and it felt out of her POV, very author-directed. What if you just said, "She already had the perfect plan" or some such to tell us she knows what she's going to do -- but it keeps readers in suspense. I think the age group could handle it.

    Thanks for sharing! And I personally adored "bottoms jousted." I might change it to "bottoms jousted for seats" though....

    Luck! --Lora

  1. Vicky Bruere
    26 July 2011 at 09:09

    Hi everyone
    Thanks so much for your feedback and suggestions. I'm going to have another look at it again today and put them into action. Apologies for the single response. Time is not on my side at the moment as my husband is away and I'm having to sort everyone and everything out...it's nearly 9am here and I'm still in my PJ's. I guess it just goes to show that he does more than I give him credit for!

  1. Author Joshua Hoyt
    26 July 2011 at 11:31

    Emma is definitely going to find some trouble. This is a good setup and it has some good build up. I got confused almost as if it jumped forward in the middle after the kids started playing on the computer. I was looking at Emma at the chalkboard and then we were back on some other kids. This could be cleared up easily.

  1. Unknown
    26 July 2011 at 12:00

    Great premise. I love Emma-she's been in my class over the years. I agree with Michelle's suggestion for the opening. I'd keep reading. Great start!!
    kathy

  1. Donna Perugini
    26 July 2011 at 13:35

    What a smart teacher for instituting Teacher for the Day! The fight in the corner by the computers sounds like the basis of my 200 words.

    Great comments here for rewrite. Michelle's suggestion will bring the readers in immediately.

    I became one of your new followers and will be looking for your postings.

  1. Donna K. Weaver
    27 July 2011 at 04:04

    Don't have anything to add, but I love the premise.

  1. LisaAnn
    27 July 2011 at 09:30

    This story sounds adorable, and I already feel invested. I want to hear exactly where this craziness will lead! I also LOVED the phrase "tickled the pen across the whiteboard." (Seems to be kinda polarizing, huh?) Excellent job!

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